Having just met Willow we knew that we were in the honeymoon phase. She laughed and ran and played. Her giggle was the cutest thing! One day while we were still in her province she picked up a bottle of aspirin. I told her "no no" and shook my head and took it from her hand. The next 30 minutes will be forever etched in my mind. She started screaming, stomping, hitting and flinging her little body back and forth. wow. I remember thinking "Whew! I will be glad when we get past this toddler tantrum stage!". But now years later we have still been dealing with these tantrums and rages on a daily basis. In the years since we adopted Willow we had ONE day that she did not rage. One. Probably not even 24 hours. It has made me very tired, I can only imagine how tired she must be too.
We could never be certain about what exactly would set Willow off. Maybe one of her siblings would pick up a toy she had been playing with earlier in the day. or the day before. or last week. Maybe she would drop a morsel of food on the table. Maybe her socks wouldn't be just right. Maybe a toy car wouldn't go far enough when she pushed it. Maybe I would hold one of her siblings before her. Totally unpredictable stuff and all new to us.
I read and read about sensory issues. Yes! This is it!!! THIS is what we are dealing with! Praise the LORD I had found the answer!! I found a sensory therapist. He was great and worked with her weekly. She loved going and playing games. Tagless shirts? CHECK! No seam socks? CHECK! I did everything I could to make her sensory overloaded world right. But it didn't make anything right. It didn't help the rages at all. None. She was just going to a very expensive play time. We decided to stop the sensory therapy. The rages continued and we gave up on socks.
I approached her pediatrician about all of this. She said she thought that seeing the on-staff therapist might be beneficial. HOORAY!!! Let's do this and make our girl better! We had many, many appointments with the therapist. She was a wonderful lady and I understand that she has helped many children in our area. She pretty much uses the same principles as Super Nanny. However, her techniques did nothing for Willow. We stopped seeing this therapist too.
Months went by and the rages continued. Never in public. Only at home and I was her target. Anyone else meeting Willow could not see what we saw at home. My mother-in-law was astounded when she saw the first rage when our family went on vacation. She couldn't believe her sweet grandchild was lashing out with such venom at me. Family members just shook their heads. My mom told me once when Willow was about 3 years old, "I'm afraid she will murder you in your sleep when she is older." Yes. That bad.
I read Jenny McCarthy's book Louder Than Words and I thought maybe.......MAYBE Willow is on the autism spectrum. I read about probiotics and started giving her supplements. These did seem to calm her a bit but not enough to see the huge changes we knew she needed.
When Willow started school I talked with her kindergarten teacher and told her about the rages. She looked concerned but I assured her that it only happened at home and was directed at me. I never got a single bad report from the school or this teacher about Willow's behavior. Every day she brought home her little behavior chart with a smiley face on it. We were so proud of her that she could hold it together during school. BUT as soon as the door of my car closed she was ready to rumble with mama. Before we could leave the parking lot she would be screaming at me about her car seat, lack of snack, the sun shining on her, the radio not being on or being too loud. Always something. always.
Did we ever consider disrupting Willow's adoption? Yes. Many times. It often felt like our family was on the verge of falling apart into a million tiny pieces that could never be put together again. But I would look at her face and the love I felt for her was a million times stronger than my desire to relinquish her custody. She did not fit the profile of a child with RAD. In some ways I know she did but in my mama's heart I knew this wasn't what we were dealing with. If it had been RAD the story may have had a completely different ending. Every time we tearfully discussed finding a new home for our little girl we would always decide to give it six more months. There had to be something we could do for her. We prayed that God would give us strength and help us find whatever it was Willow was needing to straighten her upside down world.
One day on Facebook I was chatting with a friend who had adopted a beautiful child. This was the child of their dreams but their dreams quickly faded. Like Willow they knew that something simply was not right. They were not prepared to deal with the RAD diagnosis they were given after months and months of therapy. This family had no other choice but to find another family for their adopted child in order to keep their family safe. She told me of things the child did and I shuddered. No, Willow wasn't like that. Thank God. Willow was not that far gone. I prayed for their child and I prayed for my friend. Even though we weren't going through the same thing we were on a similar journey. This particular day we were chatting and she mentioned a local therapist they had used who was wonderful. I knew it couldn't hurt so I made an appointment with this therapist for Willow. Meeting this therapist was the turning point in Willow's life.
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